Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
