I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
