"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
