I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize