So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
