I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
