Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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