I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Drake has all the answers
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
