do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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