I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
