i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
