i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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