just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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