You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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