apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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