i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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