I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
