Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
