I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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