You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
