Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
