Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Someone came in the potted fern
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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