What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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