i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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