Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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