Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
