I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
