I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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