A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
