I'm so fucking centered right now
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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