Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
