If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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