Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Randomize
