I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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