I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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