hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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