Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize