i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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