U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
