I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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