Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
