So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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