My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You smell like stripper and shame
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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