I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
