to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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