Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
