I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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