Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
