i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize