my phone cant type all the emotion im having
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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