I smell stomach acid.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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