Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
