I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Randomize
