Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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