my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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