So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
