like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
