Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
