Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
People in love make me want to vomit
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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