Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
