shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
