She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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