If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
