I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He shit in the fireplace
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize